


Break up in the end

by Jh3ma



Series: You are the Music in Me [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Break Up, F/F, POV Lexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-05-08 01:12:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14683359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jh3ma/pseuds/Jh3ma
Summary: Based on the song "Break up in the end" by Cole Swindell





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I promise not all of these will be sad but this has been in my head for awhile.

"Clarke?" Lexa groggily answered the phone after being woken up by the incessant ringing. "Why are you calling me at..." She looked down at her phone again. "1:30 in the morning?"

"I needed to hear your voice."

Lexa sighed. "Clarke.... you can't do this."

"Do you regret it?"

"Regret what?"

"Any of it." Lexa took a deep breath and heard the sniffling on the other side of the call.

"Clarke, it's been over a year. I think this is going to hurt both of us more than it helps. But if you really need me to tell you this because it’ll let you get closure or something; no. I don’t regret any of it. Even if I knew how all of this would end, I’d still go for it. I would still walk into Tim’s bar drunk that night. I’d still embarrass myself asking you your name and what you were drinking so I could look smooth when I bought you one. I’d still kiss you at last call. I’d still do all of that even if I knew my heart would break.”

“Are you telling me the truth? I don’t want you lying to me just because you know I’m upset.”

“God, Clarke, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I hate you with every fiber of my being? Do you want me to say I wish I had never met you? Do you want me to say I regret the years we spent together? Because I can’t say that unless you actually want me to lie. I’d still take you to meet my parents after we had been dating a couple months. You never knew this but when you went to the bathroom I told them I thought I loved you. I’d still move in with you even though they said we were moving too quickly. I’d do it over and over even if I knew it’d end as badly as it did because I was my happiest with you.”

Lexa heard the sniffles and the throat clearance from Clarke before she spoke. “Are you seeing anyone?”

Lexa rubbed her forehead. “Clarke, you don’t deserve to know that information. Not anymore. You’re the reason things ended and when we ended so did your ability to know my life. But I was. It didn’t work out.”

“Why didn’t it? And if it makes you feel better I haven’t been with anyone since you and I don’t plan on it. You were the best part of me and I ruined it. I don’t deserve to be with anyone. I’m sorry Lex.”

“I really don’t think it’ll help either of us to be talking about this but if it’ll help you get some closure than fine. It didn’t work because you were the one that got away. It was the fact that you ruined that stupid Andy Grammer song I played for you because you played it over and over again after I showed it to you until it felt like ours. It’s because I can’t hear that song without thinking of you and all the memories but I don’t even care. It didn’t work because you were my best and worst mistake and I’d choose to make that mistake every time I had the chance. That’s why it didn’t work out. But Clarke, don’t punish yourself. If you meet someone you deserve to be happy.”

Lexa heard Clarke muffle a sob. “I’m so sorry, Lexa. I know I ruined everything. I wish I could take it back. I wish I wouldn’t have been distant and pushed you away. I wish I would have done all of that differently. I wish I would have realized you wanted to be there for me through my hardest times but instead I just felt like a burden. I wish I would have stayed home that night and not kissed Niylah. I knew it was a mistake and I’m sorry I ruined us. I just wish I could show you how sorry I am and I wish I could get another chance. I wish I could come find you and show you that I’d do better. You were it for me, Lex.”

Lexa shook her head. “You know, I could have heard this over a year ago. But so much time has passed now you’re words don’t mean much. You’ll find someone else, Clarke. You’ll be happy. But you can’t say those things to me. You can’t say that when your mistakes led to us ending. Your dad died, Clarke. But I was there for you. And you acted like I wasn’t. Like I didn't want to try. Like I didn't care even though Jake was like my father too. Like I didn’t know what it was like to lose my dad. Or are you forgetting that you were there for me through that. I just wanted to do the same for you and you went out and kissed another girl. I get it though, Clarke. You’re lonely tonight and you got a little drunk and you miss us. I get it. I’ve been there. But you can’t do this. You can’t say these things. If you come over here you know I can’t let you in. Just give yourself a chance to find someone else.”

“I don’t want anyone else.” Clarke let out a shuddering breath. “I want you.”

“Goodbye Clarke. Get some sleep.”

“Bye Lex.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They see each other for the first time in awhile. What happens?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this kind of got away from me length wise but hopefully it makes up for everything. I think part of me is still dealing with the breakup I based this on and was feeling "hopeful" that I could end up like this but it's not likely (cue me looking sadly into the distance).

Lexa gathered her papers together and put them in her desk before grabbing her purse. As she headed out she poked her head in her best friends office. “Hey Ahn, I’m heading out for the day. We still on for drinks later?”

Anya glanced up from the case she was looking over. “Yeah, Rae said she’d join us late, she’s with Clar- a friend right now.” She grimaced hoping Lexa didn’t notice her slip up.

Lexa paused at hearing her ex’s name before stiffly replying “Ok cool.” She walked down the hall before hesitating and walking back to Anya’s office. “Hey Ahn?”

Anya looked back up at her friend, “What’s up, Lexa?”

She took a deep breath before responding. “Tell Rae she can bring her if she wants.” As soon as the words left her mouth she turned around and left the building, hands shaking as she got in her car at the prospect of seeing the blonde for the first time in a long time.

 

Anya walked over to her best friend in the bar, overhearing her order 3 shots and 2 beers. “Whoa there slick, you planning on getting trashed tonight?”

Lexa turned around and smiled, “Just needed a few shots to calm my nerves and I got you a beer. So don’t sound judgmental, you asshole.”

Anya laughed and took the beer from Lexa before giving her a smirk and downing one of the shots. She laughed off Lexa’s protests. “Come on drunky, let's grab a booth.”

The two friends talked for an hour until Anya’s eyes lit up watching her girlfriend enter the bar and walk towards them. She jumped up and greeted her with a quick kiss, Lexa’s heart burning with a longing for their love.  _ You had that once. _ She felt her heart break a little at the thought and then even more when Anya and Raven separated and she caught a flash of blonde hair behind them.  _ God, she’s even more beautiful than I remember _ . She panicked internally as she realized she’d be sitting next to her ex throughout the night.

The four of them took their seats with an awkward silence. Anya, with her arm thrown around Raven, tried to break the silence. “Hey Clarke, it’s been awhile. What have you been up to lately?”

Clarke looked down and played with her hands. “Oh, not much. Been keeping pretty busy lately so I haven’t been out much.”

Raven jumped in. “Much? Clarke I’m your best friend and this is the first time I’ve seen you in 3 months! Last time that happened was when you locked yourself in your apartment every weekend with Lex- ow!” Raven stopped when Anya sent an elbow to her ribs and a pointed stare.

Clarke turned bright red and Lexa couldn’t look anyone in the table in the eye.  _ Is THAT why she’s been busy? _

Before the silence could become any more awkward, Anya and Raven slipped out of the booth and headed to the dance floor at the same time a waiter came by and asked them if they wanted anything else to drink. “I’ll just have a glass of water” Clarke’s reply stunned Lexa as she could only point to her empty bottle on the table, signaling another one.

“No drink? What have you done with the Clarke I knew?” Lexa laughed a little, trying to show the lightheartedness of the comment.

“I don’t drink anymore. I’m totally sober now.”

Lexa’s jaw dropped. “Wow. That’s great, Clarke! How long have you been sober?”

Clarke looked down at her hands. “Umm. 2 years, 7 months anddddd 13 days.”

Lexa quickly did the math and exhaled a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “So since the day after you called me that one night. Wow.” She shook her head in disbelief.

Clarke looked up at her in shock. “You remember exactly when I called?”

Lexa dryly laughed. “Of course I do Clarke. My heart broke again that night. All I wanted was to be over you and I couldn’t. All I wanted was to help you but I couldn’t. I think about that night every day.”

Clarke’s eyes glistened with tears. “That conversation woke me up. I decided I needed to stay sober because obviously I don’t make the smartest choices while drinking.” She laughed softly. “I go to AA meetings now because even though I wasn’t an ‘alcoholic’ per say, I needed help. I started going to therapy. I changed my whole life because of that conversation. I wish I would have done some of that stuff after my dad died though. Maybe things would have been different.”

Lexa smiled sadly. “I’m so proud of you, Clarke. That takes a lot. And you’re such a strong person. I have no doubt that you’ll do great things. Just make sure you don’t beat yourself up too much. I know you have a tendency to do that. And if it helps, if you need it. I forgive you. Ok?” She took Clarke’s hand in her own, ignoring the sparks she felt as they touched for the first time in over 3 years. “I forgive you. We’ve both changed a lot in the last 3 and a half years.” She felt her eyes starting to get watery with tears. She leaned forward and kissed Clarke’s forehead. “I gotta go home but I forgive you. I forgive you and I’m SO proud of you. And I know Jake would be proud of you too.”

As she stood up to leave, she felt Clarke’s hand tighten around her wrist. “Wait, Lex.” She was pulled backwards into a tight hug from the blonde. She felt tears wetting her neck as Clarke whispered “Thank you”

She held her tighter and murmured back to her. “You’re welcome, Clarke.” 

She loosened her grip and turned to leave but paused when she heard the blonde speak. “I have a gallery showing next friday. You should come.That’s what I’ve been doing the last 3 months- working on that.”

She glanced back and smiled, knowing Clarke was telling her there wasn’t anyone else. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  
  


The next week flew by, and before Lexa knew it she was standing in front of a mirror praying to god she looked good enough for the show. “Come on Lexa, you look hot. Let’s go. We’re gonna be late.” She huffed and walked out to meet Anya and Raven.

“Damn, Woods!” Raven shouted. “You look hot as fuck! If I was single-”

“Rae if you finish that sentence you will be” Anya finished sternly as Lexa laughed.

“Thanks Raven. Let’s go before I back out.”

They walked into the gallery and Lexa was immediately taken aback by the art. “Wow” she breathed out. Raven and Anya just gave her a knowing look.

“Clarkie!” Raven pulled Lexa out of her art-induced trance as she called for the blonde to walk over.  _ Shit, I’m screwed _ .  _ She looks so beautiful _ . “Damn Clarkie, you give Lexa here a run for her money as best dressed. And hey, you both even match!”

Clarke turned red as she looked first at Lexa’s light grey tie, light grey vest, and royal blue tie, before looking down at her own royal blue form-fitting dress. “You look good, Lex.”

Lexa coughed and stuttered as she responded. “Thanks, Clarke. You do too. And this art is amazing. Tell me about it?” She ended hopefully.

Clarke smiled as she said “Follow me.”

The two walked around together with Clarke explaining each piece and how it fit into the theme. They got to the last two paintings and Lexa stopped, her heart breaking once again. On the left was a dark canvas with two green eyes staring back, pain and hurt so evident in them. On the right, a canvas of two women sitting back to back hunched over in pain, with their inner selves reaching for each other in longing. Lexa felt tears reaching her eyes. “Clarke. This is- I just have no words. Is this-?”

She looked over to the blonde who just nodded sadly. “I wasn’t sure when you’d catch on but the entire showing is about our relationship ending and the time passing for me. These were almost the start of the show because the eyes have been burned into my head since the day we broke up. That’s what your eyes looked like when I told you what happened at the bar. And the other painting is how I think our relationship felt towards the end- that we were both so stubborn but still wanted each other. But instead I started after the breakup. Me being heartbroken and relying on alcohol. Then the call. Then being sober and going to therapy and healing. Me working on getting better but then realizing that no matter how much time passes I’ll still be these last two paintings. Because you’ll always be it for me. That’s why I had to name this showing it’s name.”

Lexa felt tears falling down her face at Clarke’s words. “I never saw the name. What’d you name the show, Clarke?”

She saw Clarke’s tears fall as she responded, “Break up in the end. I called it break up in the end.”

She felt her heart drop at the confession, knowing it was in reference to their phone call over 2 and a half years prior. “Clarke-”

“I know Lexa. I know that I can’t keep holding on. But I can’t help it. I have loved you for half my life. I fell in love with you when we were just freshmen in high school. I fell in love with you then even though you were just my best friend. I fell even more in love with you when we got together as seniors. I loved you throughout our entire 6 year relationship. I saw our future. I saw our house and our kids and our dogs and the one cat I’d pretend to hate because you know I love dogs more but I’d still love because it’d make you happy. I loved you through all of that. And I fucked up. I fucked up and got drunk and kissed Niylah. I was hurting and I didn’t even think about the fact that you were hurting too. I have hated myself every single day since then but I’ve loved you the entire time. 14 years of loving you. And I changed for me but also for you. I changed because I kept thinking ‘I hate who I am right now and I’ll never get another chance but if there’s even a 1% possibility that I’d get a second chance it’d be because I changed and got better’ so I got help for the both of us. You don’t know what I’d even give for a second chance, Lex. A second chance to give us the life we deserved. I wish I could take that night back because our story doesn’t deserve to end because of one stupid drunken mistake.” The tears started falling from Clarke’s face and it pained the brunette to see.

Lexa stepped forward and put her hand on Clarke’s cheek. “Hey, hey, hey, Clarke. Shhhhhh. It’s ok. Hey, let’s just go to the bathroom really quick. This is your big night, you shouldn’t be crying, ok? Let’s go wipe those tears and fix your makeup so you can charm the pants off these snobs and so they’ll buy your art like you deserve.” She took Clarke’s hand and led her to the bathroom. She wiped the blondes tears and re-applied her makeup trying hard not to think about how the last time she did this was at Jake’s funeral.

She finished up and heard the blonde whisper “Thanks, Lex” before starting to walk out the door.

She reached and grabbed the blondes wrist. “Wait, Clarke.” She paused as blue eyes bore into her own. 

The blonde stopped and stared for awhile. “What, Lex? I gotta go give a speech soon.”

Lexa took a deep breath. “Ok, Clarke. I’m saying Ok.”

Clarke’s face scrunched in confusion. “What does that even mean, Lexa? You aren’t making any sense right now.”

Lexa took another deep breath, looking at the ground before looking back up at the blonde. “I’m saying ok. You said you’d give anything for a second chance. And truth is, I’ve loved you for that long too. I’m not saying I want to get back together. But, I’m saying I want to get to know this Clarke. The Clarke that has gallery openings instead of one who’s slaving through med school. The Clarke that hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol in 2 years, 7 months, and 20 days. The Clarke that goes to AA meetings and therapy. I want to know THIS Clarke. Because I love the old Clarke but I think I could love this Clarke even more.”

As she finished, she felt the blonde launch herself at her and pull her into a tight hug. “I promise you even though I’m not slaving through med school anymore, I’m still slaving through residency.” They both chuckled before she continued, face buried in Lexa’s neck. “I want to know this Lexa too. The one who’s a badass lawyer instead of ‘slaving’ through law school. I loved law school Lexa but I know I’ll love lawyer Lexa. I love you, Lex. And let me tell you this, I wouldn’t take any of our story back before even though we broke up in the end. Because that brought us to this moment. And this moment holds a whole lot of hope for us.”

Lexa smiled and kissed the top of the blondes head. “Yeah, Clarke. It really does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I've been working on my other stuff a little bit but I want to tie up these first 3 "one" shots before I continue anything else (only one more to go right now). And life has been way too hectic. First holidays alone (aka single) in awhile so I was dealing with a lot of emotions because of that. Also I was traveling a ton (15 flights in like 3 months plus 3 road trips) so I was just physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted for a long while. I'm hoping the next few weeks I can put out a couple more chapters/one shots/etc. but I say that every time I update stuff and I never follow through.

**Author's Note:**

> So one thing I may do is add a chapter to this one (and the last one) if people want a happier ending. Or I could keep them based solely off the songs and that's it. Let me know what you prefer


End file.
